12.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that the domicile in which you reside-
doesn't stink.

And if the domicile in which you reside does, in fact, stink...
then you can be grateful that you, at least, reside in a domicile.

And if you cannot be grateful that the domicile in which you reside doesn't stink
because you do not, in fact, reside in a domicile...

then you can be grateful that you do not,
at least,
reside in a domicile that stinks.

.

11.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that you are fed.
And that you are sheltered.
And that you are content.

But if you cannot be grateful for these truths
because one of them is, in fact, untrue,
then you can be grateful that
two outta three

REALLY AIN'T THAT BAD, WHINER.

.

9.

.

Today,
you can be grateful
that you are not waiting (at the train station) for the #5 California Zephyr.

And if you are, in fact, waiting (at the train station) for the #5 California Zephyr,
then you can be grateful that you did not, at least,
just eat a $2-pre-packaged chicken salad sandwich out of the station's vending machine.

And if you did, in fact, just eat
a $2-pre-packaged chicken salad sandwich out of the vending machine,
(while waiting at the train station for the #5 California Zephyr)
then you can be grateful for this-
A MIGHTY FOREWARNING:

You,
my friend,
are in for 24 hours of terrible indigestion.

Plan accordingly.

.

8.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that this is not a malicious or obscene message.

And if you cannot be grateful that this is not a malicious or obscene message,
(you filthy whore)
because it actually is a malicious and obscene message-
(you dirty dirty slut)

then you can be grateful that it is not an anonymous one.

.

7.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that the word caviar
sorta rhymes with the word bizarre.

Conveniently.

.

6.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that your fish didn't die last night.

And, if your fish did, unfortunately, die last night,
then you can be grateful for the time that you and your fish shared together
and-
you can be grateful for my deepest sympathy.
(Even though I know your fish didn't really die last night,
and you are just acting like it did to get attention.)

And if your fish didn't die last night because you do not own
(or have not recently owned) a fish,
then you can be grateful that you've never
(or have not recently)
been through an ordeal such as losing a fish.

To overnight death.

.

5.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that you are not that lady
on the bus this morning
in the red skirt
with a dead moth in her hair.

And if you do, indeed, happen to be that lady
on the bus this morning
in the red skirt
with a dead moth in her hair,

then you can be grateful that you are either
unaware
or
unconcerned
about the fact that you have a dead moth in your hair.

.

4.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that you have neon green hair.
With orange stripes.

YOU ROCK!

And if you do not, in fact, have neon green hair
(with orange stripes)
then you can be grateful for your ability
to picture in your mind
how you might look if your hair was neon green.
With orange stripes.

Kick ass.
That's how.

.

3.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that you do not have x-ray vision.
For if you did have x-ray vision,
then you would be able to see right thru your eyelids,
and that would totally suck when you were trying to go to sleep.

But if you cannot be grateful that you do not have x-ray vision
because you do, in fact, have x-ray vision...

then you lie.

Liar.

.

2.

.

Today,
you can be grateful that you did not wake up this morning
with a Sheryl Crow song stuck in your head.
And if you did, unfortunately, wake up this morning
with a Sheryl Crow song stuck in your head-

be grateful that you don't wake up EVERY morning
with a Sheryl Crow song stuck in your head.

.

1.

.

Today,
be grateful that you have never been trampled by a horse.

And if you have, indeed, been trampled by a horse-
you can be grateful that you are not currently being trampled by a horse.

.